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Posted on 2006.06.27 at 16:48
If I ever get out of here (so unhappy at work recently and it looks like I only get stuck staying late when I have plans directly at five) I get to see Dustin in suspenders for the first time tonight. I think suspenders are hot (oddly enough, I think the last time I say a man wearing suspenders is was the funeral director I had a crush on). We're going suit shopping for a wedding this Saturday.

I bought a sexy new dress last Saturday and can't wait to wear it. This time, I'll get photos.

Meanwhile - here's my favorite vacation - at least of me....


Home Again

Posted on 2006.06.19 at 13:45

The Angel Oak - a live oak in Charleston that is over 1,400 years old

Vacation was vacation...relaxing. Spending most afternoons on the beach (it rained the last two days but I still managed a healthy glow), eating like a mad woman (I've spent most of my first day back to work listening to my stomach grumble as I think all I've done for the past two weeks is eat), drinking a lot of Mike's (limeade and Berry are my favorites - now that I've quit smoking [update - I've also stopped biting my nails. Who is this woman for Pete's sake?] beer has lost it's flavor and I've yet to figure out what I really want to drink so I've turned to my favorite summer malt beverage) and thinking quite a bit.

I didn't get engaged (as so many coworkers and friends expected) but things are pretty good. Dustin just called to see how my first day back is going and I love that his reply to my "Hey, babe," was a very affectionate, unabashed, "Hey, baby." I also love that he calls me while I'm at work. I've never had a boyfriend call me at the office. And we all know I've had a hell of a lot of boyfriends.

I was going to whine a bit about being stone broke having squandered my savings on vacay but - fuck - that's what vacations are for. So long as I can avoid bouncing any checks and the nasty $32 fee that goes along with it (which has never made any sense to me), I think I can make it to Friday.

It's officially time to hop out of vacation mode. I managed to wreck the apartment yesterday and actually need to go home and Do Some Stuff. Clean out the car, clean the bathroom, blah blah blah. How quickly we forget how relaxed we were while on lounging on the beach....


B & J & Boobs

Posted on 2006.05.18 at 09:33
I was at a baby shower on Saturday and Trish, the mom-to-be, received the cutest mini diaper bag. So cute that it almost made me want to have a baby and, since I'm not shy, I tossed this out to Dustin as we drove back to my place.

"I kind of already thought you were pregnant," he said. Very calmly, I must mention.

And why did he think this?

Because my boobs have gotten bigger!!

I laughed and said that's just because I've gained weight and the first place it shows is in my cheeks, beneath my chin and on my knockers.

But it's funny - he even brought them up again last night when I confirmed that Aunt Flo had indeed arrived on time and he had no worries. I mean, I wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't pointed them out but...they are quite a bit bigger.

So, to celebrate and make sure they stick around...last night I ate nearly a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. Totally guilt free - a toast to my new luscious boobs.

The funniest part? The idea that I could possibly be pregnant - that my enormous boobs could be due to something other than too many lunches out and ice cream and Girl Scout cookies - really didn't seem to phase him at all.


And P.S. I'm not officially quitting or anything but I haven't had a smoke in two and a half days (granted, I've been sick). There's one lonely, stale cigarette in my purse and I really want to smoke it but I know it'll hurt and I really do want to quit....


love note

Posted on 2006.05.18 at 09:26
Dear Paul,

I heard about you and Heather and just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. Always have been. If you'd like to have a cup of tea or coffee or whatever...you know, just talk, you know how to get in touch with me.

Take care,


Giant Hurdles

Posted on 2006.05.02 at 14:41
The cupboards were bare Saturday morning so I pulled on a ball cap (after ten minutes of searching...things keep disappearing in my apartment. On Saturday I'd found that my favorite sleeveless black shirt was missing so I was forced to spend an hour trying to find something else to wear to the an auction where I was going to meet several of Dustin's co-workers and the woman who drives him to and from work [who, I must had, hugged me hello after a "This must be Emily,"]. Luckily I'd started getting ready an hour and a half before we had to leave but I digress) and ventured out to the grocery store.

He cooks for me a lot. I mean, I'd like to be Betty Crocker. I'll suggest a dish with good intentions but he moves in slowly and, before I know it, I'm smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table and working the morning's crossword puzzle, offering a weak, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

It makes me feel guilty. He cooks nightly for his mother and I'd like to give him a break on the weekends but I guess he just loves it and that's okay. I'll settle for being a vixen in the bedroom - he can be the cooking whiz.

But that's not what I wanted to write about. In fact, I ended up making a quick lunch of burgers and beans that afternoon (but at least he mentioned that he likes a girl who goes to the meat counter rather than buying the prepackaged meat) Instead, I wanted to focus on what happened while I was wandering the food aisles.

He stayed home and washed the dishes and started a load of laundry.

Granted, the laundry was his, the clothes from the night before, but he - wearing nothing but a dark green bath towel - folded my clothes which had been left in the dryer. And he folded them better than I ever could...he does that thing with shirts that makes them look like they're fresh off a department store shelf (albeit a little wrinkled because they'd been sitting in the dryer forever and he didn't think to run it for a few minutes as I would have but I'm certainly not complaining).

It was like this strange domestic intervention that began the night before when he drunkenly commented that life would be easier if we lived together. I really wish I could peg his drunken confessions. Sometimes I really think he means it..other times (like, when I said wanted to go to the Meadowlark for huevos rancheros on Sunday morning and he said, "If you want good huevos rancheros," and pointed to himself. I found out the next morning that he'd never made huevos rancheros - sigh) not so much. I think he really did mean it but it only came after a long conversation in which he stated over and over that there's just no way he can satisfy me sexually. Double sigh.

He'd called me up Friday at one in the morning (we were both downtown but out separately) and begged me to pick him up he wanted to see me, because he was drunk and done partying but had no way home. And he did want to see me but he also wanted to make sure I wasn't out with someone else. He honestly thought I was trying to find a man with a larger penis. That's all. As if everything else is fine - I'd only be out on the prowl for Giant Cock. Although, it's rather ironic as I was supposed to be having drinks with a well endowed, extremely sexually satisfying ex but he called off in order to attempt reconciliation with his ex (see the previous entry).

First of all, his penis is just fine. There are other issues that need to be tackled but the penis thing is okay. And I've never dated a man with a Little Penis Complex - I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I compliment him as much as possible and offered to call it "Goliath" but he said it was like calling a giant "Tiny" so I started calling it "Tiny" but that didn't help either. Maybe I'll start calling it "Andre". It all started when he got a glimpse of a little (or not so little it seems) somethin' somethin' in my toy box the other day. So now I'm thinking of retiring that toy for something a little less threatening but the damage has been done. Size really doesn't matter but he seems to think I have a giant, ever expanding, very hungry cootchie or something.

We can't live with one another yet, of course. He still has to take care of his mom (who said, when I was introduced Saturday night, "I like her,") but the statement was nice. It's a moving forward of sorts, I guess. We seem to be doing quite a bit of that lately, actually. He decided he'd rather hang out on the patio with my friends Saturday night when we could have been getting drunk around a bonfire. He wants my friends phone numbers so that he can call them up if he's out somewhere cool (it was something a kid would say, trying to impress someone, knowing exactly how he or she feels but unsure as to why and trying to explain it in a grown up way) and he wants to "change" he said.

This is all good. Little penis or no.



Posted on 2006.05.01 at 16:47
Text from Bill 4/28/06

Thanks. This has been tough. I love her. Thanks for listening.

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be a friend to an ex. I just sent him a message to ask how it went because I'm a complete and total glutton for pain and suffering. Doubtful turnaround in the short run but maybe longer term.

I'm really trying to let go and, for some reason, I really think I need to see him for some sort of stupid closure. I came to that conclusion just yesterday. As if that will Solve It All. Not just because maybe he'll be fat or drink too much...I just need to see him and at least think, "Okay, this is it. My relationship with Dustin is getting better every day. I don't need this man in my life to be happy."

Because I've spent the past two and half years thinking that - I need this man in my life to be happy - just about every day and it's really hard to let something like that go without grieving.

So that's it. Time to start grieving for this four year old relationship so that I can look forward to a possible lifetime of happiness with Dustin.



Posted on 2006.04.19 at 14:02
I just picked up My Losing Season by Pat Conroy at Half Price Books. I was just there browsing and find it odd that his book caught my eye seeing as how we're going to his favorite city, Charleston, in June. Anyway, I was surprised to find, in the prologue (written just as beautifully as anything else I've ever read by the man), the inspiration for the book was found at Books & Co. in Dayton, Ohio. He was there promoting Beach Music and ran into a player from his basketball team at the Citadel. I was there, too. Granted, by the time he spotted his friend, I was long gone, back to work at the cardshop down the hall but still...it's a neat connection. It reminded me of this entry from my last journal - one of my favorites....


He had an original hardback copy of The Boo - a hard book to find - I think he even said it had been out of print for years.

We chatted for a few minutes, seated on the floor behind a dozen or so rows of folding chairs, arranged in front of a table and a wooden podium. I don't remember what the man and I talked about, besides Conroy, but I remember thinking that I wished I'd worn something different. Something more grown up than my denim skirt and pale pink shirt. Not just because it might have spurred something more than conversation with this stranger but because my twenty-one year old brain had a crush on Conroy himself and I knew this would be my only chance to make an impression.

A few minutes later, the man - my literary crush - himself stepped up behind the podium and the only thing I remember him talking about was the last time he was in Dayton. He said he had dressed up and, for lunch, they took him to Damon's for ribs...needless to say, things got messy. On this trip he had dressed casually and they took him to a high class French restaurant around the corner. Everyone laughed. I wish I remembered more.

We were only allowed to have one book signed personally but he would also autograph two other books. I only had my brand new copy of Beach Music - too ashamed or embarrassed to bring my thrift store copies of The Price of Tides or The Great Santini. I worked there in the shopping mall and had walked down to get a number several hours earlier - I still ended up with a small scrap of yellow paper printed with a number in the high hundreds, though. The stranger's number was somewhere in the nineties. He had a stack of books - far more than his alloted three - and said he would trade me his number if I would get The Boo and one of his other books signed.

Being a Book Geek, I was therefore thrilled by not only the idea of meeting Conroy one hundred numbers sooner but by being the one to have him sign The Boo, his first published book.

I took his number - I think he even wished me luck - and took my place in line.

We had all written our names on the backs of our number to make signing easier. When Conroy saw my name he smiled and told me he had a daughter named Emily.

Suddenly I remembered something about The Prince of Tides - something I hadn't spoken out loud but had thought, months before, as I read it.

I reached out and touched his hand lightly and said, "I told myself that if I ever met you I would tell you how much I appreciated The Prince of Tides. Savannah really got me through a tough time."

He stopped writing and looked up at me, looked me right in the eye. "Are you okay?" Or maybe he said, "Is everything all right?" I don't remember exactly because my mind was reeling.

I had a few extremely wild years - from about eighteen until shortly after I turned twenty-one. A few years of forbidden men and an accidental pregnancy that resulted in an abortion - but I wasn't crazy. I can't explain it but that book helped; the beautiful words and Savannah's illness....

I nodded. "Everything's fine now." He thanked me and I stepped away.

I went back to the stranger and he laughed, asked me what it was like - as if we were two teenage girls seeking autographs from our favorite rock star.

"You're blushing!" he said and I exhaled for what felt like the first time since I'd walked into the bookstore.

Part of me wishes I had talked further with that man - who knows what could have happened between two passionate Conroy fans - but I wouldn't have changed anything else.

That was my moment with an author that means the world to me and I took full advantage of it - completely from the heart.


Summer Vacation

Posted on 2006.04.19 at 10:31
"I'm going to put in for that vacation tomorrow," he said last night.

But it wasn't a statement...it was one of those "statements" where your voice goes up just a smidge because it's really a question. And it's funny because I was going to put in for it yesterday myself but I just wasn't sure and was going to ask if he'd put in for it yet. Because, you know, if he put in for it then we must be okay.

So I put in my request this morning. Taking off June 6th through the 16th - a week and a half! We're not leaving until the 7th but I like to have the day off before (especially since we're leaving at the crack of dawn and I have to drive the whole way) and we're coming back on Wednesday but I don't want to work for two days so I just took those off, too. Besides, I have over 100 hours of vacation and this is the only solid chunk I'll take this year so I might as well take advantage of it.

A whole week in Charleston, South Carolina! And we'll be there for my brother's birthday, too, which will be nice. I'm really looking forward to it. Plus, we'll have been together for a year by then so maybe it'll be a little bit of a celebration. I hope so anyway.


Semi Reconciliation

Posted on 2006.04.18 at 14:53
After forty-five minutes of generic good conversation last night I brought up Saturday night again. It didn't really help. He can't say he loves me but...I realized that I had hurt him the weekend before and he thinks about it often and this is kind of my dose of that, sort of...my little bit of something bad to think about when my mind opens too wide.

He said not to worry so I'm going to try not to...and I'm planning a romantic picnic for this weekend. Just a little treat. A little "Here are a few of your favorite things because you really are a good boyfriend and I want you to know how much I appreciate you."

Because I do but I just wish I knew, you know?



Posted on 2006.04.17 at 12:50
“We can’t just have a good weekend, can we?” I asked. We sat at the kitchen table, smoking, not talking, not even looking at one another.

And the was weekend was so good. I picked him up at 10:30 and we went to Knollwood Nursery where, for Easter, he bought me a window box and flowers to fill it. Then we went to Toys R Us where he picked up his favorite game, Pictionary, and to Best Buy where he picked up the Flaming Lips new CD. Then we ran over to Home Depot and made a quick stop for lunch before we headed over to Jason and Julie’s apartment to brew beer. After brewing and sampling the beer they made last time (a great summer beer), we came home, changed and went over to Lisa and Craig’s house for beer and Mexican food.

It was just a good day. No fighting, lots of touching - we even ran into one another in Lisa’s hallway, outside the bathroom, and made out a little bit.

Bad Stuff and Sex HereCollapse ) Because I want to make it better. This weekend was my wake up call. Now I’m the one who doesn’t want out.

But if he wasn’t drunk, if he really can’t love me – I gotta go.

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